Here at The Sea Turkeys we do a lot of ranting and moaning. But in this section, all the rants that we've ever written are here for your delectation. We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them.

Madasafish? Well, we certainly were when we realised that a Sea Turkeys staffer had been shafted by this internet company. So angered were we, that we decided to write them a letter. Yes we jolly well did, and they replied and sorted everything out rather quickly. Which was a shame, as we had lots more ammo for them if they hadn't.

OK, so this technically isn't a rant but a technical cock-up by the almightly MSN. You know, that big American corporation who invented instant messaging? Yes, them. As this isn't a big rant, filling up this little box with mindless drivel is proving to be quite a hard task, so you'll just have to make do with this. Go read the article. Do it now.

Can the quiet monks of a Benedictine Abbey really be brewing a concoction that's fuelling violence nationwide? Is there any way that we can stop these alcoholic monks causing mayhem on our streets? I suppose the obvious answer is no. They're making money from it, so why should they stop? Unless the monks like casual violence...

Outraged by the car parking charges in the town, we had to write a letter to our local MP. It just so happens that the local MP is actually a local and an MP. It's none other than the self-styled alcoholic, Charles Kennedy. He seems a decent enough bloke, but will he really get us the answers we're looking for?

Sitting on a rickety old bus on the way to Elgin in the north east of Scotland isn't the best way to spend your day. But, if your car is in the garage and you have to get to Elgin in a hurry, you can never rely on Stagecoach Buses to get you there in comfort, on time or in one piece. Join us on the Unofficial Stagecoach Rally.

How do you determine a celebrity these days? Well, they generally fall into a certain category. But they are all equally annoying in their own way. It's an individual thing, just like the fact that Emos and Skaters are not the same. They may look, sound and dress the same. But they're not. Before you ask, yes this is a personal dig at those who are famous for bugger-all.

Are you worried by those crowds of kids who go around dressed in black, like they're some sort of cult? You know, the ones with the big, heavy boots and crosses around their necks preaching about how the world has gone to hell and damnation and that we're all damned... Wait, that's priests. Anyway, they're both similar if you find them in a dark alleyway.

Citroen Saxo's, Rover 200 series, Vauxhall Nova's and Peugeot 106's are never going to look good and go fast. You're wasting your money on them. Best just to start saving when you pass your test and when you're 25 you can buy something decent and be able to get insurance for it. In the mean time, stop acting like complete idiots and buy a decent car. Grow up!

There are some things which are best just left as they are. Original and spotless. Classic cars, A fine wine, Eighties Television programmes...  Why the hell they decided to update Postman Pat and Fireman Sam (which looks equally as shit as the new version of Postman Pat) now, I'll never know. Leave Pat and his cat alone, they've never done anything to harm you!

We were asked by a viewer to prove once and for all that Paul O'Grady is the purveyor of Shite-time TV. So, after subjecting ourselves to an hours worth of "quality" programming on Channel Four primetime, vomited and cleared it up, we sat down and wrote this article. Who says we're not good to our readers?

When we checked the e-mail one day, we were quite surprised to get one from an "avid reader" who had mistaken us for the Muller Dairy company. How exactly that happened, we're not too sure ourselves. But, we thought that we'd e-mail her back and let her know how we felt. Oh, and the fact that she opens the e-mail with "Good Morning Muller.." is pretty spectacular too.