The Buckfast Rant
Can the
quiet monks of a Benedictine Abbey really be brewing a
concoction that's fuelling violence nationwide? Is there any way that
we can stop these alcoholic monks causing mayhem on our streets? I
suppose the obvious answer is no. They're making money from it, so why
should they stop?The Rant
Dear
Monks,
I realise you are all very busy serving God and selling items in your shop, etc.
But I have a few questions that I would like to ask. Firstly, I admit I am not a fully paid member of any religious cult. I attended a catholic primary school, but have only been to church for weddings and funerals. Therefore, I don’t find myself to be strictly an atheist either. So I hope you won’t hold that against me. Anyway, back to the reason as to why I am writing this letter is to question a few things.
First of all is the tonic wine you produce at your abbey. This particular tipple is most favoured in certain areas of Scotland, namely Glasgow. I would like to bring your attention to a few things before I start the questioning. Buckfast Abbey is pretty well known as a place of worship, so is Glasgow’s St. Peter’s Church. I am doubtful that you will have heard of this building, far less have visited it. That’s the first comparison.
The second is, and I have never been to Andover or to the Abbey itself. Not that I wouldn’t want to, I just find it’s a little too far for a day trip out. I did however, whilst in a branch of Halfords looking for a lamp for my car, happen to stumble upon some very technologically advanced satellite navigation equipment. I was bored waiting for the sales assistant to return with my lamp, so I thought I would try some of them. I wasn’t actually contemplating the purchase of aforementioned goods, so I can only apologise and hope that I don’t suffer the consequences of my somewhat reckless act. Anyway, back to my point. I was typing in some random addresses to see if the system worked. It was fairly astonishing to say the least, but I was soon to find out the main reason for not purchasing the item. When I typed in the end location of my journey as “Buckfast Abbey” it told me on the display there was no such place. Well, I would have thought that it was a fairly well known place for the purveyors of such fine tonic wines, although it has to be said, I have never tried your product. Which then made me question the mere existence of Buckfast Abbey. Do you exist? Or is it a drunken haze?
My third, final and most important point is this: Are you for or against casual violence? I would have thought that the stereotypical Benedictine monk was completely against this motion. The reason why I ask is this, and no before you ask, I never saw two monks fighting outside a bar on a Saturday night.
The populace of Glasgow City known as the “Ned” population. I am unsure of the English equivalent, I think it is “Chav,” although please correct me if I am wrong. Seem to think that drinking Buckfast Tonic Wine is an easy way to get drunk. They can regularly be found lying in gutters with the offending article close by. It then brings me to inform you that some off-licenses are restricting sales of this article to one bottle per person. Buckfast Tonic Wine has been the dawning of many fights and later imprisonments after drinking this substance. I would have thought that Benedictine monks would have more religious beliefs than to start their own alcohol production company. Can people buy shares in Buckfast? Do you have to be a monk to know the secret ingredient of this fighting juice?
Buckfast in Glasgow is known as “Buckie,” this is also the name of a small fishing village on the North-East of Scotland. Using the glass bottle that contains the substance is commonly used as a weapon, once broken, can leave a nasty scar upon whoever should have looked at the “ned’s” “ride,” allow me to explain. If a “ned” says to you, “Are you looking at ma ride ya rocket.” Do not answer, just walk away. Either if you answer or walk away it will result in a swift visit to the Southern General Hospital. Would bottling continue in glass, or would a plastic-based substitute be considered as a safer alternative?
Well, I think this concludes my enquiry. I hope you find time in your busy schedule to reply to me.
Thanks in advance.
Cogsy @ ST
I realise you are all very busy serving God and selling items in your shop, etc.
But I have a few questions that I would like to ask. Firstly, I admit I am not a fully paid member of any religious cult. I attended a catholic primary school, but have only been to church for weddings and funerals. Therefore, I don’t find myself to be strictly an atheist either. So I hope you won’t hold that against me. Anyway, back to the reason as to why I am writing this letter is to question a few things.
First of all is the tonic wine you produce at your abbey. This particular tipple is most favoured in certain areas of Scotland, namely Glasgow. I would like to bring your attention to a few things before I start the questioning. Buckfast Abbey is pretty well known as a place of worship, so is Glasgow’s St. Peter’s Church. I am doubtful that you will have heard of this building, far less have visited it. That’s the first comparison.
The second is, and I have never been to Andover or to the Abbey itself. Not that I wouldn’t want to, I just find it’s a little too far for a day trip out. I did however, whilst in a branch of Halfords looking for a lamp for my car, happen to stumble upon some very technologically advanced satellite navigation equipment. I was bored waiting for the sales assistant to return with my lamp, so I thought I would try some of them. I wasn’t actually contemplating the purchase of aforementioned goods, so I can only apologise and hope that I don’t suffer the consequences of my somewhat reckless act. Anyway, back to my point. I was typing in some random addresses to see if the system worked. It was fairly astonishing to say the least, but I was soon to find out the main reason for not purchasing the item. When I typed in the end location of my journey as “Buckfast Abbey” it told me on the display there was no such place. Well, I would have thought that it was a fairly well known place for the purveyors of such fine tonic wines, although it has to be said, I have never tried your product. Which then made me question the mere existence of Buckfast Abbey. Do you exist? Or is it a drunken haze?
My third, final and most important point is this: Are you for or against casual violence? I would have thought that the stereotypical Benedictine monk was completely against this motion. The reason why I ask is this, and no before you ask, I never saw two monks fighting outside a bar on a Saturday night.
The populace of Glasgow City known as the “Ned” population. I am unsure of the English equivalent, I think it is “Chav,” although please correct me if I am wrong. Seem to think that drinking Buckfast Tonic Wine is an easy way to get drunk. They can regularly be found lying in gutters with the offending article close by. It then brings me to inform you that some off-licenses are restricting sales of this article to one bottle per person. Buckfast Tonic Wine has been the dawning of many fights and later imprisonments after drinking this substance. I would have thought that Benedictine monks would have more religious beliefs than to start their own alcohol production company. Can people buy shares in Buckfast? Do you have to be a monk to know the secret ingredient of this fighting juice?
Buckfast in Glasgow is known as “Buckie,” this is also the name of a small fishing village on the North-East of Scotland. Using the glass bottle that contains the substance is commonly used as a weapon, once broken, can leave a nasty scar upon whoever should have looked at the “ned’s” “ride,” allow me to explain. If a “ned” says to you, “Are you looking at ma ride ya rocket.” Do not answer, just walk away. Either if you answer or walk away it will result in a swift visit to the Southern General Hospital. Would bottling continue in glass, or would a plastic-based substitute be considered as a safer alternative?
Well, I think this concludes my enquiry. I hope you find time in your busy schedule to reply to me.
Thanks in advance.
Cogsy @ ST
Monks Response
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your recent letter and we would assure you that Buckfast Abbey is a well established fact. We enclose a booklet that may help to allay your doubts.
We would assure you that we are fully against casual violence.
Shares in this Company are not available to the general public since this is a private unquoted Company. The recipe for our product is printed on each label.
With regard to packaging we conform to the drinks industry standard of glass simply because we have been unable to locate a suitable and cost effective plastic alternative.
Yours Faithfully
J. Chandler and Co. (Buckfast) Ltd.
Thank you for your recent letter and we would assure you that Buckfast Abbey is a well established fact. We enclose a booklet that may help to allay your doubts.
We would assure you that we are fully against casual violence.
Shares in this Company are not available to the general public since this is a private unquoted Company. The recipe for our product is printed on each label.
With regard to packaging we conform to the drinks industry standard of glass simply because we have been unable to locate a suitable and cost effective plastic alternative.
Yours Faithfully
J. Chandler and Co. (Buckfast) Ltd.
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